Are you showing up for the childless person in your life? I am going to challenge you and suggest you could do better. While I don’t have statistical data, I have a large group of childless friends who have felt unimportant at some point because of that status. They have probably never told you that, or maybe they have tried and felt unheard.
There are acronyms to describe singles or couples without children: SINKs (Single Income No Kids) and DINKs (Double Income No Kids). I proudly fall into the SINK category. I’ve lived in rural areas, mid-size cities, and large cities. City living has been my preference simply because there are more SINKs and DINKs, making it a less judgmental environment. Most of my friends in Denver are childless, which makes sense. We run with crowds who lead similar lifestyles. I want to be clear, though: that does not mean I want to eliminate people in my life with kids. But after several years of hearing the same complaints from SINKs and DINKs, I decided I deserved more and started setting boundaries in my life.
I have taken mental notes of common occurrences I hear about in my crowd that lead to unhappy relationships with friends or family members. I enjoy bridging gaps and try to be solution-oriented when a problem presents itself. So, based on my conversations, I decided to compile a “check yourself” list for people with children. It includes suggestions of how to show SINKs and DINKs in your life that we are valued.
Celebrate Us
Your childless friend or family member has likely shown up for showers, birthdays, sporting events, recitals, and much more to cheer on your kids. Those are important events for you as a parent; we are supporting you. Are you reciprocating? Celebrate meaningful milestones in our life such as birthdays, job promotions, project completions, volunteer work, trips, etc. Something that may seem insignificant to you is a bigger deal to SINKs and DINKs.
Check In on Us
This one is especially true for SINKs, who may live alone. A social media connection is not a relationship. I recently read a thread where singletons with chronic illness discussed how hard it was for them to ask for help. One person suggested saying, “I am going to bring <insert item here> by, when is a good time?” rather than, “Let me know if you need something.”
There is a good chance a SINK is independent, but everyone needs emotional support. Send a text message letting us know that you are thinking about us. Call just to say hi. Tell us how good it was to see us in person. From my perspective, these are simple tasks that can mean the world.
Consider Us
Holidays or gatherings usually include a series of texts, emails, or calls to form plans. Families with kids typically get asked what might work for them, but are you asking the SINKs and DINKs? One of the most common complaints I hear is just not getting asked what works for our schedule. I am more inclined to show flexibility if just a little consideration for me is shown.
Take an Interest in Our Life
I fully recognize having children is very time-consuming both physically and mentally. But take an interest in what matters to us. Listen to what is causing us stress. You probably won’t be able to solve it, but you can acknowledge our hardship. Ask more meaningful questions than, “Big weekend plans?” There are people in my life that probably think they know me well, and they really don’t. Talking about your kid’s accomplishments comes across as normal. If I blurt out my accomplishments, it’s weird. Ask questions. Dig Deeper.
Support Our Choices
This one seems obvious but rarely occurs. As a society, we are wired to support having children. But the reverse is not as accepted. Do you regularly cheerlead the SINK or DINK in your life? Do you say positive things about our choices in front of your children? I have been called selfish and irresponsible, of which I am neither. I have just made different life choices.
I might ruffle some feathers, but take an honest look in the mirror and ask yourself: “Am I jealous of their freedom? Am I jealous of their disposable income? Am I jealous of their ability to relocate on a whim?” It’s okay if the answer is “yes.” SINKs and DINKs have probably felt jealousy of you and the love you have experienced between parent and child. The choice to not have children is complex and not without a lot of emotions. Even if you know in your heart having a child isn’t right for you, there is still grief, especially as a woman. Try to set aside the envy you might feel of our freedom and support and encourage.
Select Conversation Topics With Thought
I know your world might revolve around breastfeeding, diapers, soccer games, and PTA, but ours does not. Sure, we can feign interest, but it’s not overly relatable for SINKs and DINKs. For the hour or two you are hanging out with us, find more common topics to discuss. Think about what bonded you before children and run with it. I think you will notice a higher level of engagement.
Go Out of Your Way for Us
SINKs and DINKs are typically expected to be the traveling party. After all, we don’t have kids in tow. And while we are mostly okay with this, reciprocation from time to time is appreciated. Do you offer to visit them? I have traveled 900 miles to visit friends or family and then asked to drive further so that the other party does not have to drive at all. I have started saying no. I would joyfully go out of my way nine times out of ten, as long as that tenth time is offered.
Include Us
This one is geared more toward SINKs. Most of the SINKs I know have no problem being the third wheel. Unless you and your partner will be bickering or making out the entire time, invite us along. It’s mind-boggling how many people I have known who partnered up and suddenly stopped wanting to hang out or travel together. (It’s one of the reasons I started solo traveling!) I promise you can still have solid relationships with SINKs. I have several great friendships with couples, with and without kids!
The birth rate in the United States continues to decline. Choosing not to have children is becoming more common. However, I think it will take society a while to catch up with this choice and arrive at acceptance. Craft your words carefully. Rather than saying, “You don’t want kids?” you can say, “I admire the path you’re on!” Unfortunately, there will always be people who can’t get there. I have had to have some difficult conversations with people in my life about boundaries I was choosing to set and asking if they had the capacity to give me what I needed. A few have stepped up big time, and some did not. But I am grateful to have people in my life who effortlessly exhibit every quality on the “check yourself” list.
I’m proud to model a different path for young girls. It wasn’t modeled for me when I was a child. I am also bold enough to be the voice for SINKs and DINKs who want to feel valued but don’t know how to tell you. The next time you are annoyed that a SINK or DINK didn’t meet your expectations, I would ask you to stop and think, are you meeting theirs? Most of us are happy to give more than we get in the above areas, but getting nothing can be exhausting.
If you are a parent and find yourself mad after reading this, GOOD! Once you simmer and give it some thought, consider the question I asked at the start: are you showing up for the childless person in your life?
the single minimal(ist) 