My financial advisor’s company recently hosted Dr. Gary Chapman who famously introduced us to the five love languages. As my blog title implies, I am single, but I still wanted to participate since it pertains to many types of relationships–friends, family, coworkers, etc. I have not read Dr. Chapman’s book but the concept certainly makes sense to me. I had a hunch what my love language might be but I took the online quiz to see my results:
I was somewhat surprised! Not necessarily by the general order but I assumed “quality time” might be my top love language. I do wonder if the phase of life I am in affected the outcome and if five years ago or five years from now, the top two or three might shuffle. Surely lack of hugs from our Covid world shifted “physical touch” downward a notch because I assumed “receiving gifts” would be the basement dweller. As I work through a phase of my life involving change, growth, reflection, and exploration, it makes sense that “words of affirmation” came out on top.
As a minimalist and non-conformist, I find it difficult to garner the type of love that I most desire. Those closest to me recognize that I am not a joyful receiver of material gifts that do not serve a purpose. I have also been living somewhat nomadically for over three years so I try to keep belongings to a minimum. In a society where success looks very different for the majority of people (corporate ladder, marriage, kids), I do not get a lot of affirmation for what I consider to be success and accomplishment. In fact, it is so rare, I take great notice when someone does lift me up. And it usually makes my entire week! I will shoulder the blame for this – I projected strength and I-don’t-need-no-stinkin’-support in my 20s and 30s. But I started to learn about vulnerability in my 40s and have been allowing myself to openly express it. I have discovered that when you are really working on yourself but the rest of the world is moving along status quo, you want to hire a skywriter and broadcast, “Things have changed! Please recognize and adjust accordingly!” The world does not work like that, though. Changed behaviors take time. In the interim, I have also learned how you talk to yourself is important. There is a little affirmation embedded in the morning yoga I do that starts my day off a smidge better. Through virtual networking and career groups, I have met others at a similar junction in their life and we lift each other up. I have developed supportive relationships with people I have never met in real life! It has been a great reminder that when you are not getting what you need, advocate for yourself and go find it.
In addition to recognizing my preferred love language, the quiz also prompted me to think about how I give love away. I struggle with how to show love to my peeps whose love language is receiving gifts since that does not align with my values. I have settled on a few approaches. I have become more of an impromptu gift-giver. If I encounter an item or service I think someone would really enjoy, I gift it right then and there rather than forced buying for specific occasions. It is typically something that serves a purpose, not a figurine to sit on a shelf. I also like to send cards made on an app using scenic photos I have taken on my adventures. One of my favorite things to come out of Covid is more regular PHONE calls with those in my inner circle. Remember those? You can maintain a much deeper relationship through conversation than you can through text messaging or social media. I know a phone call from someone I love sure brightens my day.
Life would be a bit easier if everyone walked around with their love language tattooed on their forearm–no guessing required! But what fun would that be? Relationships are about getting to know someone better and thoughtfully considering how they might best receive love and recognizing that could shift over time. Living in a world where short texts are fired off and we keep in touch through social media posts, I am afraid this is becoming a lost art. I am going to challenge myself to consider love language more in my relationships and enjoy the journey of deepening them to figure it out. Join me, will you?
the single minimal(ist) 