emotional intelligence

Empathy. It’s a deep word. One that can be hard to define at times.

I recently took an emotional intelligence assessment (EQ). The results were not too surprising – I scored well in emotional self-awareness after all! In reading through the results, empathy is something that stood out to me. I scored mid range on it and can be fairly empathetic (defined in this particular assessment as “the ability to recognize, understand, and appreciate the way others feel”). Each scored area provided strategies for action regardless of how you score and here’s what struck me: the two bullets to help you connect on a personal level mention children, sick kids, and a traveling spouse. Of course we are supposed to ask about, make allowances for, and be interested in these things when you work with others. But….what if you aren’t married and don’t have kids? This is something I’ve been struggling with as of late–where’s my empathy from others? Why aren’t they expected to try and understand my lifestyle and choices? Because to be frank, most don’t. I have worked in an industry that is generally pretty traditional in their approach to life–marriage, kids, and the 2,500 square foot house. I genuinely feel that some people think my life holds less value since I never married and had children. Or maybe they think I’m a good person but they cannot think of anything to talk to me about since all they know how talk about is their kids. I suppose I’m left with the question, how can I invoke empathy from others? The answer likely lies within an area in which I fail miserably: vulnerability.

The areas I scored well include interpersonal relationships, social responsibility, optimism, emotional self-awareness, and impulse control. The areas I would like to improve in are problem solving when emotions are involved, self-regard, emotional expression, stress tolerance, and flexibility. The conclusion I arrived at is perhaps if I can improve my emotional expression, it may result in empathy from others. 

Recently I’ve been exploring opportunities for my next career chapter and have done some work around values. I found it interesting that the values I’ve identified aligned with my emotional strengths pretty closely. While fluid, my current values paired with my strengths include:

• growth (emotional self-awareness)
• engaged relationships (interpersonal relationships)
• reliability
• joy (optimism)
• morally sound (social responsibility)
• fiscal responsibility (impulse control) 

I know most career assessments center around personality traits but I found an EQ assessment more relevant at this stage of my life. The assessment was the sprint…now comes the marathon of working on strengthening areas of weakness. The good news is, our emotional intelligence does not peak until our upper 40s and even after that someone can continue to develop their EQ if they really desire. Let the marathon begin!